Your suffering is never caused by the person you’re blaming.
Years ago my wife and I were vacationing in Alberta Canada—a really beautiful place. I remember driving through the mountains, and the scenery was breathtaking. During this memorable drive, my wife said something to me and I exploded.
I don’t even remember what she said, but it triggered anger in me. For about an hour—the rest of the ride—I yelled at her and said things that weren’t very nice. The joy, fun, and beauty of this trip evaporated in a second.
Before I say anything else, I would like add one thing—I have the most amazing and beautiful wife anyone could possibly ask for. She is definitely the best thing that’s ever happened to me. So the problem was not her, but rather me. But I think you already realized that; I didn’t have to tell you.
I think this little story of me getting angry with my wife is a good example of how I was living my life at the time and how a lot of other people are living their lives. Every day of your life, there’s incredible beauty around you and amazing aliveness that wants to go through you. But emotions and thoughts from the past can take this kind of joy away from you.
What I’m about to say is simple but not easy. It can, however, change your life in ways you can’t imagine.
The next time you feel an emotion that doesn’t make you feel good—anger, sadness, frustration—realize that the other person is not creating the emotion. The emotion that surfaces is something inside you . . . something from the past that needs healing.
I know all this is a hard pill to swallow, and I sympathize with you. It’s so easy to blame and believe it’s the other person. Easy does not create freedom in your life and feeling frickin’ awesome inside!
When you do start feeling these emotions, you can call them sensations. Just allow yourself to feel them and to go right through you. Another way to put this is: become the observer of yourself and what’s going on . . . step back, take a look, and just allow yourself to feel what’s going on without giving any energy to a reaction that wants to control you.
Get curious, and ask yourself, Where did this come from? Bring the emotion into the light of now and heal it. You can experience first hand that freedom is not allowing emotions from the past to control you.
There’s a very good chance—100%–that you’ll screw up a go into reaction as you try to learn this. But the key to this is after you cool down ask yourself, What was that inside me that created that? Bring that emotion to the now, and the next time this happens it will be a lot easier to process it.
The greatest thing about this is that the longer you do it, the easier it gets.
After you have healed yourself, the really amazing thing is being able to speak your deep wisdom and truth with no emotions. That’s when you can serve this amazing world with the purpose and meaning inside your heart.
Throughout my marriage many times, my wife would ask me to do something. I didn’t like her asking, and I would go into a reaction. And by the grace of God, I realized that unconsciously I thought it was coming from my mother and my past and not coming from my wife.
Choices in life are what make us Heroes and live from the heart and live the life we know we deserve. Do you choose to heal from the past or live in the hell it creates?
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Our parents, our children, our spouses, and our friends will continue to press every button we have, until we realize what it is that we don’t want to know about ourselves, yet. They will point us to our freedom every time.
~ Byron Katie
I BELIEVE IN YOU!!